HINDRANCES TO GRIEF WORK

We came to many wrong conclusions about grief either on our own or through someone else.   A partial list follows:

* Bury your feelings. How often we were told "Don't feel bad.", "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.", or "Cry-baby!" But your feelings are part of "you". As adults we are told, "Get a hold of yourself", "You can't fall apart", or "Be strong for the children." We are told to harden our own hearts.

* Replace the loss. We were told "We'll get you a new dog (or bike or whatever)", "Get a new spouse", or "Here's a special treat!" But the loss remains. Part of us is still dying.

* Grieve alone. We were told not to disturb someone until he or she was able to 'pull themselves together'. Our caregivers were embarrassed at our crying in the presence of others. But we need to grieve with someone; it's the only way to recover.

* Just give it time. We were told "You'll get over it." The terrible truth is that this isn't true. There isn't anything magical about time. My father still carries the pain of a loss that happened in 1920.

* Regret the past. "I wish things had been (different, better, or more). I would have done things differently if I knew that would be the last time...." This is Shame, not guilt. And shame can impel you to avoid everything surrounding the loss or to feel you shouldn't forget it and therefore not grieve it, as a form of penance. But it will plague you until you grieve the loss.

* Don't trust. 'Trust betrayed' and 'Love betrayed' is a loss that needs to be grieved. Otherwise, your subconscious will act out this pain by being untrustworthy and rejecting. You will shy away from close relationships for fear of being hurt again. But you must be close to at least one person with whom you can share and grieve, to recover.

* Protect yourself.

* Don't get involved, they'll only leave you anyway.

* Get all you can before it's taken away from you.

* Don't expect anything.

The last hindrance to grieving is the pain involved in the process. No one likes pain. But nobody likes surgery, either.

Grief is encouraged Christian behavior. "Jesus wept." - John 10:30 "Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh." - Luke 6:21 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep." - Romans 12:15 "Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to dejection. Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you." - James 4:9-10

- by Tim T. and "The Grief Recovery Handbook"